The first trimester pretty much sucks. I hate this bit of pregnancy. This is our fourth attempt. First time round I’m not sure my body knew how to grow a baby and well, it wasn’t to be. Maybe that’s the reason these 12 weeks are the worst. I’m not awfully sick, I don’t turn green at the sight of a bacon sarnie and I can sometimes stay awake for the news at ten (So long as I’ve spent the afternoon on the sofa using Disney Junior as a babysitter!). But the anxiety is real.
I’ve never had a positive pregnancy test and not thought ‘Oh shit!’ but each one has been wanted. That initial OMG feeling is briefly replaced with giddiness, ‘We did it again! Aren’t we so friggin’ awesome!’ before swiftly landing back to earth with a thud and letting fear take over.
Four goes in, I should probably have a fair idea what to expect. But the fear never waivers. I’ve never been able to let go and think; What will be will be. Because once those two little lines appear on the stick, I’ve already pictured a future. This time as a family of five.
Every pain or niggle catapults you to the bathroom. Just in case there would be a flash of red on the tissue. Worse still no pain sends the mind into over drive. What if something is wrong? What if the baby has stopped growing? Did I jinx myself ordering the maternity jeans too early? And all the time this little person is only known to myself and himself. Our little secret. Because even though I thought this time I’d shout it from the roof tops, I can’t. I don’t want to share our news just yet. Even the congratulatory comments from the doctor leave me with an uneasy ‘What if’ feeling. We’ve been here before and it ended in tears. That memory still clouds the two pregnancies when the tots at my feet were the prize. Isn’t that such a pessimistic outlook? When normally I’m a glass half full kinda gal. It’s normal to worry though. The fear of the unknown gets us all right? Those feelings definitely ease when the little flutters and expanding waistline begin but until then I’m staying busy. Giving my mind as little time to wander as possible and giving into any cravings I think I can stomach come dinner time.
With each pregnancy, I’ve downloaded and joined my ‘birth club’ on the Baby Centre app. I’m not a massive contributor to the group but you can be sure if there is a symptom or condition you’re curious about someone else has already asked the question. There is always the temptation to consult Dr Google when you’re really not thinking rationally and it’s never a good idea! You’ll end up presuming the worst when in most cases there’s no need. My advice; use your online time wisely, don’t read horror stories. Take the good from these sites (maybe even give yourself a little laugh as some posts will rival an episode of Eastenders) but scroll past anything you think is going to make you worry more. You’ll never find joy in someone else’s heartache.
I’ve given into the 3pm slump most days and put my feet up on the sofa. I don’t remember being this tired with the boys. But then I didn’t have a two year-old and a nearly four year-old to entertain, so I’ll take it as a good sign and pray my body is busy cooking a healthy baby.
So here’s the advice I wish I would take;
- It’s normal to worry.
- Cut yourself some slack, you’re growing a baby!
- The dishes will still be there later when you have the energy to do them.
- It’s okay to use the TV as a babysitter.
- You won’t feel like this forever and it’s so worth it in the end.
Are you a Mama in her first trimester? How are you surviving?